just ask google

I just put into google: “i have destroyed my life”
The first answer I got back was this:


What do you do when you have completely ruined your life?

and the answer that hit me the most was this one:

Learn from your mistakes. try to understand why you made them, and if a new fresh start is in order – get all the toxic people in your life,  out of your life. If you’re the toxic part of your life, get your head out and knock off the drama. Look around and see what the okay people in your world do when confronted with the questions you keep getting wrong.  It’s okay to make mistakes – once – but you’re just being a dumb a**  if you keep repeating them.  There is redemption, if you want it. It starts with just doing the right thing. Don’t talk about it, don’t play the victim – just shut up and start doing what a decent, responsible, mature adult would do when you come to the choices. If you’re not 13 years old ( any longer ) you probably don’t have anyone who will rush in and solve your problems when you screw up. So keep this in your mind – when you make mistakes, paying for those mistakes will be your problem. It’s easier to avoid doing destructive things than trying to say you’re sorry a hundred times and taking the painful consequences for the damage you’ve done.
By the way – many, if not most  people end up facing this question at one time or another in their lives. It can be a turning point to a happier and more positive life, if you will let it be. Good luck.

Juice Cleanse! – Day 1

Today is day 1 of my juice cleanse, coached by Courtney. I am hoping to do this God’s Way – that is, feeling my emotions as they come up and not suppressing anything. So far husband and daughter have both fallen casualty to that 🙁

In the past few days I started feeling quite scared. And Courtney nailed it when she said some people feel like they are never going to eat real food again – and yes, that’s pretty much what part of it was.

Last night I left it till 10 minutes before the supermarket closed to go get fruit and veg for today ($57!!), then didn’t really set it up well enough for me to sort through all my groceries and start the juicing process.

So we all ended up grumpy and I didn’t get my juicing finished until around midnight. Tonight I will do it sooner – planning on buying stuff earlier and going upstairs around 5pm to juice 4lt for tomorrow. Hopefully it won’t cost as much either, this is going to be pricey otherwise. Still, the benefits will be worth it (faith talking here – actually not faith yet, just hope so far).

Courtney stressed that it would be highly beneficial for me to also do an enema…………. yuh. Every day. yuh. Starting the first day. Most importantly starting the first day. Yuh!

Well, so I just plucked up the courage to do that – detoxing from the inside out!

All I am going to say about it is that now my insides feel quite … delicate is the only word that I can think of currently. Oh, and I didn’t have an instant 5kg weight loss!! (yes, I checked…)

And since that little exercise I am feeling a little spacey and wobbly – I guess it kicked the detoxing up a little notch.

So, Day 1 so far – 14:41 and going ok. 2lt of juice down, enema done, struggling to actually get any water drunk too. Starting weight 125.9kg (after a bit of a binge week last week).

The damage of seeking other’s approval

Today I realised that every bad thing that has happened in my life was due to my making a decision based on seeking someone else’s approval. And that the good stuff that has happened in my life is due to things I do because I purely want to do them.

I haven’t as yet tested that theory, but the few options I tried it on fitted perfectly.

And then I read this from Courtney’s blog. Excellent work and a perfect fit.


Off to try it out. I post it here for easy access, but thank you Courtney, for your inspiration this morning.

Today’s where I am at…

Just did a round tuit and added all the old blogs from elsewhere (now have to figure out how to delete those … later)

Read slightly my where I am at post from 2011.

(here, if you are interested!)

Still working on my motivation – recently I went to a week long course/assistance group with Jesus, working on exactly that.

Notes from that week:

Nuggets I got from that is to work on my mistrust and fear of people. This blocks me from relationships with others and with God (God loves all her children, so if I don’t love any one of her children, I am not in alignment with God).

Take actions and measure the results – learn from them.

Experiment with my thoughts for a week and determine if good or bad spirits are talking to me (good = loving, bad = unloving).

I am rebelling! Very last thing Jesus said to me before I left… rebelling against God’s laws and against human laws… where has that got me? (In a world of pain on all levels)

Take a long hard honest truthful look at myself. Daily. Pray for help in building the desire for truth. To feel. Love. Do a life review. My responses and feelings about everything.

My suppression will kill me, unless I stop/change. I utterly reject truth, I deny it, I don’t want to know at all.
I don’t want to pay back the money I owe (take responsibility for my actions, stop blaming others). I want to blame others and not own my part in it. When my part in this is the greatest of anyones. I need to stop sinning and to release that (desire to) sin.

I am trying to earn God’s Love. Jesus’ love. everyone’s love.

The MAJORITY of my pain comes from my PERSONAL choice.

(start doing mindfulness 4 times a day again – this I believe will help me stop suppressing everything. Also read that book on child… can’t remember the name (Healing the inner child?) – I will look at it – Mary recommended in, and Maria did too independently)

The way to get control of my life is to start reducing my pain! I can start feeling better the very same day. Be willing to surrender – stop fighting emotions and pain. Allowing the surrender, allowing myself to be humble (feeling like tearing up just by reading this). Things will then go much better for me.

I am averse to even discovering pain.

weight = rage – stop being busy, make the time to fix this. Rage = busy?

Choosing to prevent pain is choosing to prevent any healing. I have got to be prepared to feel pain if I want to progress.

Suppression of pain leads to terminal conditions.

I need to experience pain (pronto) my (eternal) life depends on it!

Eat, Drink and be Merry for tomorrow we diet!

Well, today actually.

20151231_105253-avatarToday I started liteneasy – the one where they send you all your food (except milk) and you just eat that. Figured that is the easiest for me to start with as I am so bad at eating regularly and preparing food currently. Hoping that a few weeks into this I can do it myself, but, it’s not bad as it doesn’t cost a lot differently from what I would be spending on food for myself anyway, so it may be worth while just to continue for a year (if I lose a kilo a week, I will get almost to my goal in a year).

I thought I’d start journalling/blogging my feelings around this. I was surprised this morning that I felt fear and trepidation – and that’s a bit of a dark hole that I sense I don’t want to go down into as yet, so will put it to the side for the moment.

I did think I would just be angry and actually rageful. I warned hubby and daughter that this would probably happen, and I wanted to make sure I didn’t hammer them with it. Jesus told me that my weight issue has to do with anger at the world, and I felt this was true for me – angry that the world hasn’t looked after me. Angry that the world hasn’t rescued me from my pain (the pain I put myself through and earned through my own unloving choices and damage and pain to others). Anger that I can’t just have whatever I bloody well want to without consequences.

I’ve been working towards this for a while now – purposefully for the past nine months or so I think. I did want to work on my emotions until I got to the point where I happily ate what was healthy and loving for me and my body, but I realised that I would die before that happen, and oddly enough I discovered today, I don’t actually want to die at all – that was just a morose emotional manipulation I was using to punish the world for my lot.

About a month ago I realised that there are NOT a set of rules for everyone else and one for me (in that I could do what I wanted to and get away with it). I am under the same rules and Laws that everyone else in the universe is subject to! This is something that I am learning affects me in every way.

So, sticking to a diet that somebody else has designed and simply doing what I am told is something that I haven’t really done well before. This is a challenge for me and there will be a significant amount of emotions come up I suspect (and hope, really – as if I deal with the emotions around this I will find it so much easier going).

So… day one … breakfast was good, but I did have it fairly late, so it’s throwing out the rest of the day a bit – had a morning snack and three big glasses of water so far too – lunch in about an hour, and whilst waiting for it, noticing what emotions come up and work through them, I hope. Not blast them at other people (or myself!)


I noticed that I have been thinking “when I get to my goal” not “if I get to my goal” today – a quiet surety or confidence that I am actually going to do it. This has been missing in the past, so I am feeling quite happy about that.

An open heart

Today I had a very good practical illustration of why I am doing the mindfulness stuff… in order to open my heart if I want to. Which i do. As, when I am in survival mode 24×7 there is not a hope in hell I am going to stop for a moment and choose to open my heart. And that is what I want to do. Open my heart and be vulnerable, let God in. Let my partner in. Let my children in. Let everyone else in.
And today, for a moment, I did that. A terrific reminder of what this hard work is all about. I get to let God’s love in! Just a smidge, but the more work I do the more I can allow my heart to open to receive God’s love, and other people’s, and therefore love back more.

a small change

Yesterday in my therapy session, M suggested that the tightness I felt in my throat often was actually not part of my torso core fight/flight stuff but simply an action, as in tensing my limbs ready for flight. Kinda.

So, when I do my mindfulness 5minute sessions if I find it is my throat that is tight, loosen that (easier said than done!) and I will find my gut will tighten up.
She also said it would be a lot harder for me to do as we are getting closer to what is really going on. She also said I would be more likely to get into real releasing emotions, (which is my whole agenda with this).

So, today, tried that and first finding was yes, gut was more tight, but still a bit slippery. However, I did find almost on the 5 minute mark that real tears (grief, not fear or frustration) starting coming, and when I read the prayer I was in tears for most of it. Not massive gut wrenching sobs (hopefully that will come) but different from before.

Second session was pretty hopeless… spent most of the time trying to find some sensation in my gut and my throat kept locking up. Third session felt a bit all over the place – and I feel like I didn’t do anything. I expected that, so see how things go.

A letter to a friend


I do have attachment disorder (I will find out the proper name if it has one). I know my mum didn’t want me (prayed to God to kill me when she was pregnant, which set me up for a number of issues with God as well as her). Dad was angry about another mouth to feed (immigrants who didn’t know the language before they arrived in NZ and I was pregnancy #7, 6th surviving child)

Nobody told me that about mum not wanting me and dad being angry – I realised it after doing some emotional release work, and it fitted and made sense.

I have five older siblings – the four eldest were a “gang” and my poor brother was an outsider, and he still suffers from that (but none of them will admit to anything) then there was me after a 5 year gap and then my youngest brother, who is now pretending to be like the elder ones in order to fit in.

My eldest sister has said very clearly that she doesn’t want to delve into any of that “emotional stuff” as she is happy enough and doesn’t want to rock the boat basically (but her eldest daughter tried to commit suicide in her early 20s and her other daughter is single at 30+)

I was very very angry with my mum from my teenage years until just a couple of years ago, now I am sad but not so angry.

I always felt a stronger connection with my dad, but I know he was no saint – I feel he was a more passive and disconnected person in my childhood, but mum was more angry and covert with it (she played the “poor me” role very well).

I started seeing a counselor in November (I have done heaps of counseling in the past) who has been teaching me a technique that she calls “somatic mindfulness” which has been working which is fantastic, as nothing really worked for me in the past. It is the hardest thing I have done in my life though! Really.

I think she has kind of invented the therapy, not sure. I did ask her if she knew of anyone in your area she could recommend and her response was that she does skype with some clients who are not local, so perhaps there aren’t anyone, but I will be seeing her again tomorrow so will ask her to clear that up. Maybe it would be worth a look for you to just have a chat with her via skype sometime.

Rereading your comment about never feeling loved – a couple of years ago I met a lady who has become a good friend and I have met her mother too. I was struck at how well they got on, and that showed me that it is actually possible to have a good relationship with your mother/father (my relationship with dad ended up a lot better, but he died 15 years ago). I was quite amazed to learn that there was such a gap between the state of my relationship with my mum and the relationship my friend has with her mum.

It is phenomenal how much impact this stuff has had on me – it took me months just to come to terms with that. All sorts of stuff comes up – angry, grief, terror, and it is quite freaky, … but, I know it will give me so much more in the way of resources to be able to handle my life, be productive, think clearly, make rational decisions, all kinds of things that I didn’t know I was missing until I started learning about all this.

Anyway, that’s all for now… I am starting a blog, but it’s a bit sporadic and I haven’t put the history up that I want to yet, so when I have it properly set up I will send you the link – I want to use it as a journal, so it should show how things are going day to day from now on.

Thank you for opening up to me, I respect and appreciate that.


Today’s realisation

A couple of things I realised today.

In a mindfulness session of 5 minutes, at around the 4:58 mark I start feeling some emotion – riding a wave M calls it I think. Sometimes I stay and feel it, but did just now and it just floated away.

I am at my most clear immediately after doing mindfulness – an incentive to do it regularly.

M talks about “jumping away from the bus” – I felt today an analogy that resonates better is 24×7 feeling like I am about to be murdered. I felt the heart pounding and shallow breaths of that in this last 5 min session and tried to stay there but kept skipping away – then when I did stay there and the emotion started coming up, ping… the alarm went off.

Today my motivation for doing mindfulness is high as I am so scattered and I want to be more focussed and be more productive. Today is being a better day after 2 5 min sessions (1st one with Prayer for Divine Love as usual) and it now being 12.41pm