It’s about an hour or so later, and a letter to mum in non-dominant handwriting later.
Who said it’s so great to write those letters? All it makes me feel is sore for using muscles in a different way, and frustrated for not being able to write quickly enough and still be able to read what I have written.
I am giving blogging a go instead to see if I can get this junk and stuff out of my head and release all the garbage this way instead.
I understand the reasoning behind the nondominant writing bizzo – get the other half of my brain working. Must be pretty blocked, or just way frustrated. Will see what the morning brings. Maybe I will dream my way out of this ickiness.
Today is purge time. I am feeling very anti me at the moment, and writing is therapeutic. My mother is going gaga, and I am so angry with her and myself just for everything.
Today I came to the conclusion that the only one stopping me from getting what I want in my life is me. I know I am strong, powerful, enterprising, adaptable, intelligent, funny, responsible, and dependable, yet I stubbornly refuse to do the stuff that I know will get me what I most want in life.
And that really gives me the shits (does this blogger allow swearing? we will see…) I am so angry with myself at the moment that I am standing in my own way! Why am I doing this when I know I am so capable, and fully able to do whatever I want to do, to give me the dream life I deserve!
Part of it is that I am really angry at mum. Angry that she didn’t look after me in the way I wanted her to. Angry that she outlived dad. Angry that she now doesn’t even know who I am and thinks I am the maid from her childhood. Angry that she never really wanted anything for herself and passed on that attitude of struggle and servitude to me, so I have to fight it every day of my life, knowing I can have better.
Purge must be complete for now, I can’t think of anything else to dump at the moment. It remains to be seen what this triggers.