The Fear, and the power of the screams

well, this is a little challenging, but what the hell… I just discovered people can find these blogs… ah well. It will probably change what I write, but anyway, what will be will be.

Well, I stepped into a bit of fear today. After the crazed, demented and furious space I had been in over the last while, which kind of peaked last night, I figured I had to do something (as I said earlier). So after facebooking for a bit, responding to a few comments, I finally felt I had something I could sink my teeth into.

I was angry at my fear! So angry that my fear was holding me so much to ransom! Off I went and laid into the punching bag – put the gloves on and let loose… but it wasn’t satisfying, didn’t do enough, so I went around bashing a metal post, and my poor wind chimes came off second best too – there is a bit of that lying out in the weeds somewhere.

It didn’t feel enough though – I wanted to destroy something! But, I knew that wouldn’t help. So I went and lay down to see what would come up. All over the place, but then something happened. Because of my frustration and anger and over it all -ness, I said to God, I just want my brain to go away, my mind to leave. I felt like I embraced insanity. I welcomed it and waited for it. Because my mind is my biggest blocker. I used to be so proud of my strong mind, but now I view it as an obstacle. A hindrance to my progress.

First time in my life I have ever let go of my mental faculties. I didn’t care. I didn’t care if I went insane (but I also knew I wouldn’t – I kept praying to God all through this and trusted him).

And then, I just relaxed. Relaxed my entire body on the bed, let it just lie there. Allowed. Allowed whatever to be there to be there. Never done that before either.

And what was there was a scream. Screams. lots of them. And I knew I had to get them out. And I did get some out, but the fear stopped more from coming out. I realised that I have to scream. And scream and scream and scream. Good thing I was home alone and will be tomorrow too, and that we live far enough away from anyone that I am not going to get a policeman knocking on my door.

Because I am going to scream tomorrow too. Scream and scream and scream. I want this fear out and gone. I finally want to get it gone and away.

I don’t do screams. I don’t do fear, I am tough and make jokes or act tough. I can yell in anger (and have at my beautiful children and both husbands, which I regret), but I don’t scream in fear. I don’t make a sound (because they will kill me if I show fear). So screaming is the thing I need to do now. Every opportunity I can get when I am totally alone and won’t scare the crap out of anyone around me.

I will scream.

Hell On Earth

I just found in facebook a great snippet that was a great wakeup call for me right now… and then I also read something else (but that has gone past to the keeper at present, I can’t resolve it yet… but I trust it has a message for me, coz they always do).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mud1FNxTnAQ

Perfect for this moment. I am so stuck!!! My life is getting worse and worse and worse and I still see no way out. My fear and anger are so strong that I don’t even WANT to change things. I don’t want to pray. I feel that insanity would be a blessed relief (yet I have enough knowledge to know that that is only putting off the inevitable). And I also have enough knowledge to make suicide no option either.

So I am screwed.

Where do I go from here. With every breath I take life just gets worse. And I don’t want to post this because every time I share an emotion it keeps me out of it. (So I will blog it instead?) I need to knock this addiction on the head. As soon as I decided to blog it instead of post it, the energy goes out of it.

I don’t know where to go from here.

I learned something new

Today, I learned that nobody cares about my crap. So, deal with it and move on. Enough of the pity party already. It is counter productive and worse than useless – it makes things worse.

So why do I do it? Because I am angry with the world and want the world to just bloody well fix it for me. Well, that ain’t gonna happen, so what now?

I have to learn how to fix it myself. I don’t believe I can. Others maybe, but not me. Coz I am extra specially stuffed somehow. God made this plan for everyone else but it ain’t gunna work for me. What kind of crap is that? My kinda crap.

The kinda crap that puts the hand brake on big time against me doing something about it. I can stay the victim and wallow in the pity murk. Yuk. but yum too…

hmm. time to watch a couple of chick flicks and see if they help get things rolling for me. And see what the morning brings.

Where I am now?

well this is funny, I just thought maybe I would start a blog, and come here and find I did so two years ago!

I am hesitant to start blogging, as I wonder at the megalomania of it, or is that narcissm? I also know I am quite an angry person, and don’t want to blast my anger out here.

However, what has prompted me to write here and now is that I have just in this minute realised that due to coming earth changes, I seem to have lost my motivation for change.

A lot of my motivation has been to fix my life as it isn’t very good… but if the world changes instead, then it won’t be as much of an issue…. who am I kidding! Here is me thinking all my issues are money related, but they are not…. it is just a symptom, a tool, designed to highlight my main issue. Which I am still not looking at.

Or am I? Am I just willfully ignoring what I know to be true. I know I am angry with the world. I know I want the world to fix it for me. I know I feel the world owes me. Is that it? Really?

And does it even matter? Why do I have such a need to label what I am feeling before I will allow myself to feel what I am feeling? What security does that give me? Perhaps I just need to feel it…. I keep being told that, and yet I remain unconvinced. Content to stay stuck in my fear.

hmmm…

now I am curious as to what I wrote two years ago – I wonder if I have changed much since then!