Trust

I went to a lady today who spent some time on me using reiki and crystals. I went in with a little trepidation as she told me last time we would work on getting the hooks and attachments out of me where negative and harmful energies (spirits, in my book, ie people) had their hold on me.

The trepidation, nervousness, ok, FEAR, was that if these dudes left, would I be left wide open for an even nastier bunch to rock on up? I told her that I was fearing around this. I had previously prayed about it and asked my divine love guides and guardian angels to help me with this. I didn’t want to just lose a bunch of nasties just for another bunch to attach and hang around that I didn’t know how to handle (er… hmm…. anyway…).

So, we settled in to work on this. Her comment was that I have a lot of damage and holes in my aura due mainly to the worry I do and the negativity I feel towards myself, plus the trauma that I have had and still have in my life.

The first thing that happened (I didn’t tell her this, but not because I was consciously withholding it) was that as soon as I settled down and closed my eyes, I saw a figure a little distance away but walking towards me. This was a beautiful female, who I recognised as my stillborn older sister who is my guardian angel (love and tears and gratitude overwhelm me now). She came up to me and placed my head in her lap and just lovingly held me through the session (thank you AnnaMarie) – I started to go check the spelling of her name and thought buggerit…. it’s not important how mum spelt it…!

As the healer was working around each of my chakras, healing and unblocking them, I was thinking “be open, be open, allow this to happen” and trying very hard to not fight her. And then, I got this…

<<<TRUST>>>

and was able to let go a lot more. I was then able to actually tell the healer what was going on for me – she had been asking a few times how I was going and I had just made a noncommittal murmur about being ok, but then I started telling her about how I was feeling, what I was feeling about.

She mentioned something (I can’t quite remember) about stuff from the past, my childhood, and this just was the opening that I could then tell her about things that I had felt had happened, what I had discovered recently and previously, and how I felt about things.

And I was able to have a couple of questions that have been burning me answered. These were important, as I had had suspicions about a few things, and because I had always come up against “don’t be silly” or “you must have imagined it”, I learnt to not trust myself, and today, after the message of TRUST and these feelings confirmed, I am feeling more able to trust myself, and therefore, that around me. Including God, others, the world, my guides, and others who are trying to help me (if I would only trust and let them!)

This is massive for me, and I am now, four hours later, feeling, still, quite open and willing to feel what is there for me, rather than blocking things out and hiding behind the brick wall. Plus, I am feeling more brave about embarking on the group therapy sessions that I am starting in a couple of weeks. I had been fired up and ready for them after reading the Toxic Parents book two months ago, but have since felt more fear around it… I am feeling more ready now.

I trust my feelings. I trust myself. I trust the quiet feelings I get from AnnaMarie and my other guides (?) not sure yet about that… but will work on that. I now know that the tricky ones had hooks in me around my self hatred and damning of myself, and it doesn’t have to be that way, and isn’t, in this moment. I can have it differently.

Yay me.

There is light ahead. and it ain’t no train 🙂

(Thank you God, and my guides, for your love, it is wonderful to feel that I am worth it)

How it feels to not feel

I am….. no idea actually, how I am feeling. Or to be honest, I don’t want to feel.

I have been feeling like that for days now. Been keeping busy learning about what is happening in the world, and preparing materially for bad times ahead, that I just don’t want to feel how I am feeling.

I can sense the anger in that as well as the fear. I have been learning more about my father’s family in the last few days, seeing photos I have never seen before. And am not sure what their significance is (because I am refusing to feel!)

I wish I would allow myself to put a higher priority on my soul than on my body – on the spiritual rather than the material (but I don’t because if I really wanted to, I would, simple).

Someone suggested I ask God to give me some proof (that he exists, or that the Divine Love Path is is the right path to go on) – that hadn’t occurred to me, and it rocked me with it’s simplicity.

But I haven’t done it, because I don’t think that is ok for me, that I am allowed to (spiralling back into the error based emotions from my childhood). Bloody catch 22! How elegant is my ego and block system…. where do I start now.

A bit of a break through this week though – had a free reiki and chakra balancing session this week and the comment was that I have one “sour and negative energy” hooked on to me. Straight away I knew it was mum’s mum. So the work is to detach her. I felt better almost immediately, but I don’t think she has completely left me…. no …. but, I now know I can be free of her.

Going back in a week for a longer session, with the focus of clearing the spiritual attachments, and I am determined to work on the emotions that cause the attachments while I am free of them! (Please God, help me with this intention!)

back to baby steps

I’ve kinda mellowed in the past couple of days… very angry at the world on Monday.

But, now, feeling a bit more relaxed now I am not so on myself about feeling my emotions. I am just going to see what happens for a bit. Things are changing by the moment, and I just want to see how things pan out for now.

I started off the week realising that I don’t believe working on my emotions, or praying, is going to make a bit of difference for me, and as that is the case, what was I thinking, going up to hear Yeshua talking about that… all I would be doing is being angry and inflicting my anger on everyone there.

Once I realised that, I felt quite a sense of relief. I didn’t have to try to be a certain way anymore, I could just be me. And I think that is what it is all about anyway. No trying involved, just being.

It was suggested to me that perhaps Natural Love guides were in my ear, and I wonder about that, as I thought my guides were Divine Love guides, as I have been that way inclined (so I thought/think) for years and years… but it could be that ones who do not have my soul’s best interests where it comes to God may have been in my ear a bit. Dunno!

I am still feeling quite judged and disapproved of… an old emotion of mine. Some unexpected loving and nice support came up during the week though…

“i want to remind you, that these feelings dont have to be permanent. youre feeling the pain of an old injury, telling you its time to release it…. while you cling on to it with all your might and determination. soften yourself into it…. submit to it. surrender to it.
once you get through this, your soul will sing again.”

LOVE…. hmm…

what I am really scared of is that even though Love is the most powerful force in the universe, and will triumph, what of all the hatred and evil on the planet right now and the lower spheres of the spirit world. Yeshua and Mary are voices in the wilderness compared to the babble of the world, and something pretty huge is going to have to happen to make every single soul in the universe sit up and take notice.

If that something involves decimating the mortal population of the planet, then all those lower sphere dwellers who have now passed in to the spirit world will be able to wreak havoc on those still surviving, wouldn’t they?

So, what will change to allow Love to conquer over fear? Why is it different now? Obviously, to me, it is different now because Jesus the Christ and his soulmate, Mary Magdalene, or Yeshua and Miriam, have returned to human form on the planet, but how is that going to change the balance, without upsetting or over riding humanity’s individual free will?

What makes this time any different from any other time on the planet where God didn’t step in, why is God stepping in now? Is it purely to stop us from annihilation? (I think that is what it is – as a loving parent lets their child learn through play, the parent would gently recommend against action that would actually harm the child)… hmm, but, mortal death isn’t annihilation anyway….. I don’t know this one.

stuff

I am feeling utterly hopeless right now. Like I am totally kidding myself. And feeling pissed off that my life is so shit because I am in denial about stuff when 99.9999% of the planet is in denial and their lives are ticking along… how come mine is so tough?

I am kidding myself about the emotions that I think I am feeling. That I am just spouting crap about everything. And that I plain and simple just want the world to end and everyone to die so my problems will just end… hah, and I know that will just make things worse because there is no end to that… after the end there is no end, so the mess I am in is eternal.

Until, something happens. Something shifts… so why the freaking hell can’t I make that shift now! How come some people can just swim through life blindly and things just work for them? How come you have no money issues and I have them in spades? Why is it that I had to have this particular issue? Why couldn’t it have been something that didn’t hurt other people? (I know the answer to these things – because I would have just put up with those issues…)

I look back at my life and I cannot see a single point where things turned worse… it is as if it was always crap. I have always had issues with money, since I was a little child. So that tells me, it is not my fault. It is someone else’s emotion that I got copped with… yet you say mum and dad had no money issue…. so I can’t blame them… (and why is it important for me to blame someone else or understand where it came from anyway? Because I feel I can’t get my teeth into an emotion that is nebulous and may be a figment of my imagination….. brain….. I hate it!!!)

It isn’t fair! This isn’t fair at all. I try to be good and I fail. I think I am caring and wonderful and yet I steal money from you and from other people, and I still haven’t stopped doing it. And I bloody well marry someone who lets me do it too, and is simply more overt than I am around doing it. I can’t fix this, it is unfixable. There is nothing I can do to make this right. And I know that is chicken shit and avoiding my responsibility … damn it! DAMN it.

This system sucks but I can’t escape it and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to work it. Let go and let God look after it – but I don’t trust God to look after it in a way that I am happy with. So catch 22. Stuck in a vicious circle. Don’t see any way out.

I can’t send this to you – you don’t deserve my anger. Nobody does.

So what do I do with it instead. GOD WHY IS MY LIFE SO HARD! WHY CAN’T I JUST TRA LA LA THROUGH LIFE? I KNOW IT IS BECAUSE I WANT MORE BUT THE PRICE IS TOO HIGH, I CAN’T DO THIS!

Addictions

I just read a brief thing about Mother Teresa on a forum. I realised that anything about her has a high charge for me, and I thought it was simply the name, but it is more than that. Perhaps she reminds me of my mother? Of what I believe my mother feels we should aspire to? I don’t know. And the other interesting thing was that the thing I just read was critical of the woman.

So, as I don’t know, I put it in a box to deal with later down the track. I add it to my shopping list of emotions to deal with – what is it about Mother Teresa that has an emotional charge for me. (Is it simply the catholic thing? That is a monster of a mine field for me…., and now I wonder why that is… but I am diverging)

And, that is my attitude to my addictions. I see (some of) them, but I think, I will deal with them some time. Yeah, I know they are there, but I will get to them later. I do this because I think I can just deal with them, stop them, when I feel like it, but I don’t feel like it yet, so I am not going to go to the hassle.

I think this is because when I eventually stopped smoking for good, it happened just like that. I just stopped. No patches, no cutting down, just cold turkey. And haven’t had a single cigarette for the next nearly eleven years (apart from the one I tried about a year later just to see if there was any buzz there for me – there wasn’t).

So I figure that if I can stop smoking like that, I can stop any of my addictions just like that too. Conveniently forgetting that there was a process around my stopping smoking – my father had just died of lung cancer, so even though I don’t remember what the process was, there would have been one. Had to do with my family and their expectations and feelings, from memory.

And also conveniently forgetting that I put on 20 kilos in the year after I stopped smoking, so I simply went from one politically incorrect addiction/vice to another which wasn’t as bad, well as judged as bad by society.

lost my train of thought…. I intellectually know that avoiding challenging my addictions in this way is purely to avoid my fear and my feelings that the addictions are covering. But that is not enough to go into them. I don’t want to. Yet.

Onon with the screams!!!

the rollercoaster that is my life

in this moment, I am reflecting on my lack of desire to get closer to God.

I was thinking of how things will be when I go on my little roadtrip up country. I will be in the company of vegans when I get there, so I won’t be eating meat or dairy around them. That’s how I do it when I go up there, depending on where I am staying.

I feel so judged when I am around vegans, no matter what I eat! And I know that it is my own self judgement and guilt (although I am pretty sure there is some judgement coming at me from some others too – but mainly from myself)

And just now I was thinking, what would Jesus say… he would say (and does) that while I eat meat I cannot get divine love. So, I thought, ok, for how long? Only while I am eating meat, or while I am digesting meat? Or for a certain amount of time after eating meat or while I am preparing to eat meat?

And then I thought, this is silly. Obviously, I am more interested in fulfilling an addiction to eat meat for what ever reason, than in being closer to God. Than to receiving God’s Love. Why the hell would I choose that? What is it about eating meat that is more important to me?

It was suggested to me, stop the addiction, and see what comes up. Sounded like a good idea at the time, and I can see it would work, but my feeling is, why would I bother? Why on earth would I want to see what came up? Again, I see that my soul is still not interested in getting closer to God.

So, the question is, why not?

And, again, let it all go and trust in God. God will take care of me. But, the kicker is… I know God will take care of me, but I don’t trust that he will take care of me in a way that I like. “For your own good” is the phrase that my soul dredges up from my past.

And I feel that I am cursed with this thing about all or nothing. I can’t fix it all now so there is no point. But I also can’t see what fixing little bits (and have I really fixed little bits or am I kidding myself?)

And the last thing that has triggered this reflection today is I am feeling disapproved of. I feel like a brick wall is between myself and those I aspire to, those I look up to as modelling the way I want to be (or, to be more honest, how I think I should be, if I really wanted to be like them, I would be, eh)

And I can see this is all brought about by my emotional error load. Yet, I don’t want to go there… stubbornly! I had two great days earlier this week, but now that people are around me again (husband and child), I shut that down. Why am I so afraid of their judgement? Of their opinion? Of their projections? I will let my fear of their feelings outweigh my own desires. I can feel my desires being modified, compromised? changed. Oh, it’s not that important after all…

So, this roadtrip is important. I hope it will help me get more clear on what I really do want and what I really do believe. Because right now, I am feeling rather weakwilled in my desires. My fears and self limiting beliefs trump them at the moment.

baby steps

Well, the conversation held in trepidation was had, and as always, my fears are bigger than the reality.

I want to find the balance between feeding my fear and being awake. Not only awake, but aware and noticing what is going on for me.

I have noticed that my fear has distorted reality for me hugely! I am forever … what is the word … catastrophising (I think) – thinking people react in a certain way to things I say or do, and worry and fret over it, and then, I find out that they didn’t even give whatever it was I have sweated blood over a second thought!

So, of course, I punish myself over it – but NOT ANY MORE!!! Recently I have actually learned to start looking on these episodes as what they are – learning opportunities, to see what I am doing and why (and it comes back to the fear… I have begun to suspect that fear is my dominant and prominent emotion, although this may prove to be incorrect…. it is the uppermost one though – there was a lot of fear in my childhood.)

Things feel like they are starting to fall into place today. And in a more … actually, I should say, a less frenzied, way. Things are feeling more soft. calm. quiet. but real. and strong. I take that as a good sign!

Today’s prayer – God, please help me be more ok with releasing emotion when there is someone else within a square mile of me… otherwise this is going to take far too long.

The leaps I have made in the past two days when I was the only person around for hours have been quite awesome, and I don’t want to have to wait until I can scream if I have to (and there are many more still in there I fear) and nobody can hear me to be able to make more leaps.

not so productive a day

Cold tonight. Ugg boots dusted off and checked for spiders. Brr.

Well, I had hopes of lots of screams, but wasn’t willing to go there again just yet. This happened another time when I had a huge emotional session, the next day I was terrified and didn’t go back there – that lasted for six months or so. I can’t afford that amount of time now.

I did manage to eke a few out, and they must have done something to shift some stuff because I felt a lot more clear headed this afternoon. And then reading Mary’s blog from today was great too – I feel like I am at a fork in the road too, and have some choices to make. Scary stuff, but I feel better equipped now, I think I might even be able to manage them, whereas before I didn’t even know what the choices were.

Shall see where this goes.