The first week

since my first session with the group therapy I have noticed a few things.

The first was in the group itself. I noticed that I didn’t feel like an alien anymore. That for the first time in my life I wasn’t out of step with everyone else. I could see bits of me in the other ladies in the group.

If that wasn’t enough proof for my doubting mind that I had suffered abuse, then I don’t know what it is going to take to prove it…. getting a bit shitty about my own doubt. Fucking SPIRITS!!! shit.

Feeling a significant amount of anger today… Rage, actually.

I hate that I am so sensitive to what other people think and expect of me. Why can’t I just block that out and not ABSORB it so much! I think it has totally stuffed up my life. Or is that just not taking responsibility for me life. bloody hell.

The other thing that came up, if you hadn’t noticed already, was a shitload of anger. Directed at my family. of origin, not my little now family.

So, what am I going to do about it? Write this first, see what comes out of it. Whacking pillows or punching bags don’t help…. Feeling exceptionally unloving and hateful at present.

Lots of truth

It has been a while. And a very busy while emotionally.

Shifts around spirit attachments – allowing instead of fighting, my life is not as hard it feels.

I saw a clairvoyant a few weeks ago and that totally rocked me. The message I got from that was dump the husband, go see a financial planner and put all my trust and money in that person…

Nearly did it too… then realised what an unloving message that was. How unloving was it to myself to do that.

I also realised how much support and love and guidance I really was getting, and that this experience was an effort, which worked, to show me how bad mediumship can get.

And a reminder that the most loving thing to do is always the gentlest, and softest, and I will feel the most relaxed, calm, and peace around. Brings tears to me again, how beautiful and loving God’s system is.

On the way home from that session I went for a drive. I went up a dirt road in the little zoomzoom car (not built for dirt) and almost got bogged. It was quite scary in that I was all by myself and not close to anyone, and I asked for help from my guardian/guides. I safely backed myself out of the bog, and got away.

I felt so proud of myself for getting out of there, without getting myself further into the bog. And then realised how much a metaphor that was. How I have to back myself out of the bog I am in before I get deeper into it and get stuck.

I think relationship wise we have had a bit of a quantum shift these past few weeks. And I know for myself I have a clear purpose, at least for the next three months. Finish the program. And be as loving as possible whilst I do so, and deal with stuff as it comes up. Pray a LOT.

Yesterday, when I drove home from the first session, I realised that the reason I never have enough to pay my debt is that I DON’T WANT TO…. I had heard this from others before, but only yesterday did I realise it for myself.

That has given me a sense of purpose. I am now praying for the desire to pay back my sister and the other people I (and hubby) owe money to. It was such a blinding flash of the obvious, and I am grateful for the truth of it.

Although I right now find it daunting and exhausting. That just means I haven’t found the truth around it yet, is all.

Time to stop. Feeling… maudlin isn’t quite the right word, but very reflective and a little sad. Time for a rest.

the Cliff of Trust

So, today I went for an interview with the facilitators of a program called Journey, which is for Adult Women survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

There.

I said it.

No more dancing around it. Moving right along.

I was more afraid than I realised – I went to the loo before I went in for my interview and as soon as I closed the loo door behind me I burst into tears and it took me quite a while to go through those tears. They just came out of nowhere and I had no idea they were sitting there – I had suppressed them well.

For me, it was a terrific interview. The point, the two ladies told me, is to make sure that the group being formed is such that all members of the group are able to feel safe in the group, so it isn’t just if they get six people ring up and ask to do it, they have a criteria of the members being willing to look at stuff, be open to dealing with things rather than inflict themselves on others in the group. (I hope I don’t!) I think I am safe there! But who knows what the 12 weeks will bring.

It was good for me because I felt I really allowed myself to trust in the process. Jargonistic maybe, but, I was willing to feel what I felt, I was encouraged to speak openly, and for what is a rare moment in my life with others, I actually did say what I truly felt, and what I feared and desired also.

And I noticed the messages I was receiving, one in particular, from my spirit friends, and acknowledged that (if the ladies think I am a fruit loop, no doubt I will find that out!!), and yes, I am aware of the injury in that comment!

I am excited about starting this group in two weeks. I am looking forward to clearing through the muck that is in my soul and washing it out. Learning that I am not a freak and not a horrible person, and that others feel similar stuff to I do. How I have YEARNED for that all my life. What a difference that alone makes to me.

That is my goal for this group for me. That and being able, ready, and willing to have real relationships with any other person who comes into my life. That is something that really excites me!

Thank you God for getting me to this point. And all your beautiful helpers who came along when needed, too.

I was really proud of myself today, my willingness to just go with it, to jump off that cliff of trust, into God’s arms and the support of his Love, and the process of this group. Being encouraged to ask for what I want and to be able to ask for kindness was an amazing thing.

Going back to sitting with this now. A good day, emotionally rich and wow. Good stuff.

anticipation

I have been successfully not thinking about what I am doing tomorrow…. I have an interview which will lead to joining a group therapy group called the Journey – for adult survivors of sexual abuse (I think, that’s what the interview is for! – to establish that we are all on the same page as to what the purpose of the group is).

I have been waiting to start this therapy since February, and my motivation and willingness has waxed and waned since then…. but, my determination is still solid, as I feel strongly (why do I have such a hard time writing the word believe?) that resolving these issues will change my life in ways I have yet to comprehend.

I feel that my entire life has been stuck in the emotional damage caused by abuse (almost, there is in utero stuff that I have yet to deal with also), and the reiki last week opening up/balancing my chakras, as well as looking into the murkiness that is my repressed emotions around this will open me up to trusting, and to feeling all the emotions that I have suppressed, enabling me to progress spiritually.

That is my hope anyway, and therefore, my prayer. Thanks God.