An open heart

Today I had a very good practical illustration of why I am doing the mindfulness stuff… in order to open my heart if I want to. Which i do. As, when I am in survival mode 24×7 there is not a hope in hell I am going to stop for a moment and choose to open my heart. And that is what I want to do. Open my heart and be vulnerable, let God in. Let my partner in. Let my children in. Let everyone else in.
And today, for a moment, I did that. A terrific reminder of what this hard work is all about. I get to let God’s love in! Just a smidge, but the more work I do the more I can allow my heart to open to receive God’s love, and other people’s, and therefore love back more.

a small change

Yesterday in my therapy session, M suggested that the tightness I felt in my throat often was actually not part of my torso core fight/flight stuff but simply an action, as in tensing my limbs ready for flight. Kinda.

So, when I do my mindfulness 5minute sessions if I find it is my throat that is tight, loosen that (easier said than done!) and I will find my gut will tighten up.
She also said it would be a lot harder for me to do as we are getting closer to what is really going on. She also said I would be more likely to get into real releasing emotions, (which is my whole agenda with this).

So, today, tried that and first finding was yes, gut was more tight, but still a bit slippery. However, I did find almost on the 5 minute mark that real tears (grief, not fear or frustration) starting coming, and when I read the prayer I was in tears for most of it. Not massive gut wrenching sobs (hopefully that will come) but different from before.

Second session was pretty hopeless… spent most of the time trying to find some sensation in my gut and my throat kept locking up. Third session felt a bit all over the place – and I feel like I didn’t do anything. I expected that, so see how things go.

A letter to a friend

Hi.

I do have attachment disorder (I will find out the proper name if it has one). I know my mum didn’t want me (prayed to God to kill me when she was pregnant, which set me up for a number of issues with God as well as her). Dad was angry about another mouth to feed (immigrants who didn’t know the language before they arrived in NZ and I was pregnancy #7, 6th surviving child)

Nobody told me that about mum not wanting me and dad being angry – I realised it after doing some emotional release work, and it fitted and made sense.

I have five older siblings – the four eldest were a “gang” and my poor brother was an outsider, and he still suffers from that (but none of them will admit to anything) then there was me after a 5 year gap and then my youngest brother, who is now pretending to be like the elder ones in order to fit in.

My eldest sister has said very clearly that she doesn’t want to delve into any of that “emotional stuff” as she is happy enough and doesn’t want to rock the boat basically (but her eldest daughter tried to commit suicide in her early 20s and her other daughter is single at 30+)

I was very very angry with my mum from my teenage years until just a couple of years ago, now I am sad but not so angry.

I always felt a stronger connection with my dad, but I know he was no saint – I feel he was a more passive and disconnected person in my childhood, but mum was more angry and covert with it (she played the “poor me” role very well).

I started seeing a counselor in November (I have done heaps of counseling in the past) who has been teaching me a technique that she calls “somatic mindfulness” which has been working which is fantastic, as nothing really worked for me in the past. It is the hardest thing I have done in my life though! Really.

I think she has kind of invented the therapy, not sure. I did ask her if she knew of anyone in your area she could recommend and her response was that she does skype with some clients who are not local, so perhaps there aren’t anyone, but I will be seeing her again tomorrow so will ask her to clear that up. Maybe it would be worth a look for you to just have a chat with her via skype sometime.

Rereading your comment about never feeling loved – a couple of years ago I met a lady who has become a good friend and I have met her mother too. I was struck at how well they got on, and that showed me that it is actually possible to have a good relationship with your mother/father (my relationship with dad ended up a lot better, but he died 15 years ago). I was quite amazed to learn that there was such a gap between the state of my relationship with my mum and the relationship my friend has with her mum.

It is phenomenal how much impact this stuff has had on me – it took me months just to come to terms with that. All sorts of stuff comes up – angry, grief, terror, and it is quite freaky, … but, I know it will give me so much more in the way of resources to be able to handle my life, be productive, think clearly, make rational decisions, all kinds of things that I didn’t know I was missing until I started learning about all this.

Anyway, that’s all for now… I am starting a blog, but it’s a bit sporadic and I haven’t put the history up that I want to yet, so when I have it properly set up I will send you the link – I want to use it as a journal, so it should show how things are going day to day from now on.

Thank you for opening up to me, I respect and appreciate that.

love

Today’s realisation

A couple of things I realised today.

In a mindfulness session of 5 minutes, at around the 4:58 mark I start feeling some emotion – riding a wave M calls it I think. Sometimes I stay and feel it, but did just now and it just floated away.

I am at my most clear immediately after doing mindfulness – an incentive to do it regularly.

M talks about “jumping away from the bus” – I felt today an analogy that resonates better is 24×7 feeling like I am about to be murdered. I felt the heart pounding and shallow breaths of that in this last 5 min session and tried to stay there but kept skipping away – then when I did stay there and the emotion started coming up, ping… the alarm went off.

Today my motivation for doing mindfulness is high as I am so scattered and I want to be more focussed and be more productive. Today is being a better day after 2 5 min sessions (1st one with Prayer for Divine Love as usual) and it now being 12.41pm

Wicked witch of the west?

That’s how I feel today… so want to get rid of this survival mode existence! Fight/flight 24×7 sucks. It causes me to be irrational, evil, angry, paranoid, and just plain crazy. I want a fully functioning brain that can make rational decisions.

So, motivated to do the mindfulness today. I can feel my heart pounding and my breath is shallow – this was all there before but I had numbed it out and suppressed it. This is really hard, as I am dredging through 50 years of suppression. It’s gotta go though, if not now then it will just get harder.

God helps – tried the prayer this morning (been saying it every morning) but just burst out in anger… wanted to stop, but thought, no, I will keep reading aloud the prayer, even though I am not in agreement with the words, they are bringing this up for me, so that was authentic, and I felt God agree with that. It is helping, even though 95% of the time I don’t feel the words on the card. Brings God closer to my attention daily.

Hello world :)

Yes, I know it’s the default, but it is appropriate!
I’ve had a go at blogging before, but the posts were pretty angry, so they’ve been trashed… and thought to start again.

Since November I have been seeing a trauma counselor, and just the other day she called her methodology Somatic Mindfulness. I hadn’t really heard of mindfulness before I started seeing her but it appears it’s the new best thing since sliced bread.

All I now know is that this is the hardest things I have done in my life. Ever. To date. So now it’s time to start journalling it, well, I now want to anyway. And since what my counselor is doing is pretty bleeding edge, I thought it might prove a use beyond just my own dribblings for my own sake to someone else out there!

So, here it is! And I guess I should start with some background, and then move on to day to day feelings about how things are going for me.

And the God bit?

Because this is proving to be so incredibly hard, I thought if I brought my bestest buddy in to support me (even though I am not willing to open up to said bestest buddy just yet) I would get through this. Because I don’t think I could have without my divine parent. (Still hanging onto the masculine there as I am still having a hard time with the mum stuff, but working on it.)

That’s it for now, shall update more soon hopefully (and hopefully it won’t be three years till the next update!)