A letter to a friend

Hi.

I do have attachment disorder (I will find out the proper name if it has one). I know my mum didn’t want me (prayed to God to kill me when she was pregnant, which set me up for a number of issues with God as well as her). Dad was angry about another mouth to feed (immigrants who didn’t know the language before they arrived in NZ and I was pregnancy #7, 6th surviving child)

Nobody told me that about mum not wanting me and dad being angry – I realised it after doing some emotional release work, and it fitted and made sense.

I have five older siblings – the four eldest were a “gang” and my poor brother was an outsider, and he still suffers from that (but none of them will admit to anything) then there was me after a 5 year gap and then my youngest brother, who is now pretending to be like the elder ones in order to fit in.

My eldest sister has said very clearly that she doesn’t want to delve into any of that “emotional stuff” as she is happy enough and doesn’t want to rock the boat basically (but her eldest daughter tried to commit suicide in her early 20s and her other daughter is single at 30+)

I was very very angry with my mum from my teenage years until just a couple of years ago, now I am sad but not so angry.

I always felt a stronger connection with my dad, but I know he was no saint – I feel he was a more passive and disconnected person in my childhood, but mum was more angry and covert with it (she played the “poor me” role very well).

I started seeing a counselor in November (I have done heaps of counseling in the past) who has been teaching me a technique that she calls “somatic mindfulness” which has been working which is fantastic, as nothing really worked for me in the past. It is the hardest thing I have done in my life though! Really.

I think she has kind of invented the therapy, not sure. I did ask her if she knew of anyone in your area she could recommend and her response was that she does skype with some clients who are not local, so perhaps there aren’t anyone, but I will be seeing her again tomorrow so will ask her to clear that up. Maybe it would be worth a look for you to just have a chat with her via skype sometime.

Rereading your comment about never feeling loved – a couple of years ago I met a lady who has become a good friend and I have met her mother too. I was struck at how well they got on, and that showed me that it is actually possible to have a good relationship with your mother/father (my relationship with dad ended up a lot better, but he died 15 years ago). I was quite amazed to learn that there was such a gap between the state of my relationship with my mum and the relationship my friend has with her mum.

It is phenomenal how much impact this stuff has had on me – it took me months just to come to terms with that. All sorts of stuff comes up – angry, grief, terror, and it is quite freaky, … but, I know it will give me so much more in the way of resources to be able to handle my life, be productive, think clearly, make rational decisions, all kinds of things that I didn’t know I was missing until I started learning about all this.

Anyway, that’s all for now… I am starting a blog, but it’s a bit sporadic and I haven’t put the history up that I want to yet, so when I have it properly set up I will send you the link – I want to use it as a journal, so it should show how things are going day to day from now on.

Thank you for opening up to me, I respect and appreciate that.

love

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *