Well, today actually.
Today I started liteneasy – the one where they send you all your food (except milk) and you just eat that. Figured that is the easiest for me to start with as I am so bad at eating regularly and preparing food currently. Hoping that a few weeks into this I can do it myself, but, it’s not bad as it doesn’t cost a lot differently from what I would be spending on food for myself anyway, so it may be worth while just to continue for a year (if I lose a kilo a week, I will get almost to my goal in a year).
I thought I’d start journalling/blogging my feelings around this. I was surprised this morning that I felt fear and trepidation – and that’s a bit of a dark hole that I sense I don’t want to go down into as yet, so will put it to the side for the moment.
I did think I would just be angry and actually rageful. I warned hubby and daughter that this would probably happen, and I wanted to make sure I didn’t hammer them with it. Jesus told me that my weight issue has to do with anger at the world, and I felt this was true for me – angry that the world hasn’t looked after me. Angry that the world hasn’t rescued me from my pain (the pain I put myself through and earned through my own unloving choices and damage and pain to others). Anger that I can’t just have whatever I bloody well want to without consequences.
I’ve been working towards this for a while now – purposefully for the past nine months or so I think. I did want to work on my emotions until I got to the point where I happily ate what was healthy and loving for me and my body, but I realised that I would die before that happen, and oddly enough I discovered today, I don’t actually want to die at all – that was just a morose emotional manipulation I was using to punish the world for my lot.
About a month ago I realised that there are NOT a set of rules for everyone else and one for me (in that I could do what I wanted to and get away with it). I am under the same rules and Laws that everyone else in the universe is subject to! This is something that I am learning affects me in every way.
So, sticking to a diet that somebody else has designed and simply doing what I am told is something that I haven’t really done well before. This is a challenge for me and there will be a significant amount of emotions come up I suspect (and hope, really – as if I deal with the emotions around this I will find it so much easier going).
So… day one … breakfast was good, but I did have it fairly late, so it’s throwing out the rest of the day a bit – had a morning snack and three big glasses of water so far too – lunch in about an hour, and whilst waiting for it, noticing what emotions come up and work through them, I hope. Not blast them at other people (or myself!)
I noticed that I have been thinking “when I get to my goal” not “if I get to my goal” today – a quiet surety or confidence that I am actually going to do it. This has been missing in the past, so I am feeling quite happy about that.