Trust

I went to a lady today who spent some time on me using reiki and crystals. I went in with a little trepidation as she told me last time we would work on getting the hooks and attachments out of me where negative and harmful energies (spirits, in my book, ie people) had their hold on me.

The trepidation, nervousness, ok, FEAR, was that if these dudes left, would I be left wide open for an even nastier bunch to rock on up? I told her that I was fearing around this. I had previously prayed about it and asked my divine love guides and guardian angels to help me with this. I didn’t want to just lose a bunch of nasties just for another bunch to attach and hang around that I didn’t know how to handle (er… hmm…. anyway…).

So, we settled in to work on this. Her comment was that I have a lot of damage and holes in my aura due mainly to the worry I do and the negativity I feel towards myself, plus the trauma that I have had and still have in my life.

The first thing that happened (I didn’t tell her this, but not because I was consciously withholding it) was that as soon as I settled down and closed my eyes, I saw a figure a little distance away but walking towards me. This was a beautiful female, who I recognised as my stillborn older sister who is my guardian angel (love and tears and gratitude overwhelm me now). She came up to me and placed my head in her lap and just lovingly held me through the session (thank you AnnaMarie) – I started to go check the spelling of her name and thought buggerit…. it’s not important how mum spelt it…!

As the healer was working around each of my chakras, healing and unblocking them, I was thinking “be open, be open, allow this to happen” and trying very hard to not fight her. And then, I got this…

<<<TRUST>>>

and was able to let go a lot more. I was then able to actually tell the healer what was going on for me – she had been asking a few times how I was going and I had just made a noncommittal murmur about being ok, but then I started telling her about how I was feeling, what I was feeling about.

She mentioned something (I can’t quite remember) about stuff from the past, my childhood, and this just was the opening that I could then tell her about things that I had felt had happened, what I had discovered recently and previously, and how I felt about things.

And I was able to have a couple of questions that have been burning me answered. These were important, as I had had suspicions about a few things, and because I had always come up against “don’t be silly” or “you must have imagined it”, I learnt to not trust myself, and today, after the message of TRUST and these feelings confirmed, I am feeling more able to trust myself, and therefore, that around me. Including God, others, the world, my guides, and others who are trying to help me (if I would only trust and let them!)

This is massive for me, and I am now, four hours later, feeling, still, quite open and willing to feel what is there for me, rather than blocking things out and hiding behind the brick wall. Plus, I am feeling more brave about embarking on the group therapy sessions that I am starting in a couple of weeks. I had been fired up and ready for them after reading the Toxic Parents book two months ago, but have since felt more fear around it… I am feeling more ready now.

I trust my feelings. I trust myself. I trust the quiet feelings I get from AnnaMarie and my other guides (?) not sure yet about that… but will work on that. I now know that the tricky ones had hooks in me around my self hatred and damning of myself, and it doesn’t have to be that way, and isn’t, in this moment. I can have it differently.

Yay me.

There is light ahead. and it ain’t no train 🙂

(Thank you God, and my guides, for your love, it is wonderful to feel that I am worth it)

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