Wicked witch of the west?

That’s how I feel today… so want to get rid of this survival mode existence! Fight/flight 24×7 sucks. It causes me to be irrational, evil, angry, paranoid, and just plain crazy. I want a fully functioning brain that can make rational decisions.

So, motivated to do the mindfulness today. I can feel my heart pounding and my breath is shallow – this was all there before but I had numbed it out and suppressed it. This is really hard, as I am dredging through 50 years of suppression. It’s gotta go though, if not now then it will just get harder.

God helps – tried the prayer this morning (been saying it every morning) but just burst out in anger… wanted to stop, but thought, no, I will keep reading aloud the prayer, even though I am not in agreement with the words, they are bringing this up for me, so that was authentic, and I felt God agree with that. It is helping, even though 95% of the time I don’t feel the words on the card. Brings God closer to my attention daily.

Hello world :)

Yes, I know it’s the default, but it is appropriate!
I’ve had a go at blogging before, but the posts were pretty angry, so they’ve been trashed… and thought to start again.

Since November I have been seeing a trauma counselor, and just the other day she called her methodology Somatic Mindfulness. I hadn’t really heard of mindfulness before I started seeing her but it appears it’s the new best thing since sliced bread.

All I now know is that this is the hardest things I have done in my life. Ever. To date. So now it’s time to start journalling it, well, I now want to anyway. And since what my counselor is doing is pretty bleeding edge, I thought it might prove a use beyond just my own dribblings for my own sake to someone else out there!

So, here it is! And I guess I should start with some background, and then move on to day to day feelings about how things are going for me.

And the God bit?

Because this is proving to be so incredibly hard, I thought if I brought my bestest buddy in to support me (even though I am not willing to open up to said bestest buddy just yet) I would get through this. Because I don’t think I could have without my divine parent. (Still hanging onto the masculine there as I am still having a hard time with the mum stuff, but working on it.)

That’s it for now, shall update more soon hopefully (and hopefully it won’t be three years till the next update!)

Four week update

IMG_1156b

stats: Well, it’s been 4 weeks today, I have lost 8.8kg (19.36lb) at an average of 0.31kg(0.69lb) daily and at that rate I will get to my goal of 60kg (132lb) – which is a loose goal, on my birthday of all days, 27 July 2012! 😀

One icecream on about day 2 or 3, copious wine and cheese and a small amount of chicken on about day 10, and three glasses of wine a couple of days ago – the icecream didn’t seem to matter, the day 10 splurge caused 800gm weight gain and a funny tummy the next day, and the three glasses of wine caused a 100gm weight gain, and lessons well learned… losing weight is more important to me now!

The rest of the time I have been drinking water as my only drink, eating fruit for breakfast (apples, bananas, oranges, with the odd stone fruit in there), randomly eating nuts (but expecting to cut those back after I read the 80/10/10 book), salads or vegies or leftover vegies/rice or lavash bread with hommus for lunch and usually a stirfry vegies and maybe rice or salad and rice/lavash/pita bread for dinner.

Going really well, I am loving the way I am doing this and how effortless it is, as it feels like I have finally dropped the need for emotional eating and psychological protection avoidance and denial 🙂

the thing that I marvel at is that it has been utterly effortless and fun, even 🙂

another thing is that I have had to start using my belt again, and it is two notches in from where it used to be when I stopped using it 🙂

Another bonus has been that my daughter is now telling me how good she thinks it is that I am losing weight – she is 7 and it is quite precious to me that I am making her happier in this way.
Week4

Exploring the addictions…

IMG_0995bafter a friend posted on facebook yesterday…. back track… this started before then…

I listened to the recording of the Mediumship session in Armidale that I zoomed up for in December, the night before last, and finished it yesterday morning.

(and hubby returns home)

The theme of the talk was that …

now I am just grumpy… being challenged is triggering something… but not the obvious… what is my feeling around asking for confirmation of something – having to interact with others?

The theme of the talk was how we dance around our fears and not actually embrace them, walk through them and realise they are not real – realise that they are not the truth so do not have to run our lives.

Personally, I learnt that I ping off each of my emotions that come up thinking, no, I don’t want to go there, what’s another one… then ping off that one, through my entire shopping list until I get back to the first and haven’t got anywhere with any of them.

I remember reflecting the next day on the zoom home, and partially yesterday after hearing the recording, how I find it really neat and impressive that I had a dialogue with the individual known as Archangel Michael, as well as a dialogue with Jesus, whom I have had a number of personal interactions with, and yet I take it for granted, or don’t really appreciate, the utter blessing I have to have the opportunity to talk to Jesus in person.

It is funny how our minds normalise things even as majestic and fantastic as the second coming of Jesus down to, oh yeah, he’s a bloke I know… got the most wisdom of anyone in the universe too, and I have spoken to him a couple of times…

So, after hearing the recording, and feeling inspired, I rustled up the courage to give it a go… allowing me to feel whatever is in me at the time. Now I will tell you how that worked for me…

What I noticed was that when I got up yesterday morning, I didn’t want to have my normal cuppa (black tea with nonfat milk). And I thought I’d like to try not having any meat or dairy (ie vegan) for a while.

The day before a friend had made a simple comment about her shopping list getting smaller, and one of the things not on it anymore was tea…

In the past when I have thought of “going vegan” or cutting out tea and/or alchohol what came up was always this indignation about having to “stop” what I wanted to do, and a resistance to that. This time, yesterday, and again today, I am noticing that instead I am more wanting to rid myself of behaviour that is controlling me – I want to be free of addictions.

So I am testing this… I went through yesterday feeling a bit hungry, and thought, I will just wait and see what comes of this, and then the hunger passed. Totally didn’t feel like having a cup of tea at all… although had a mild headache later in the day yesterday.

I was wondering if the absence of meat would allow emotions to come up more easily (and this is feeling like a good thing to me now – which is part of this shift in me), I think it is still too early to tell, but I did realise why I was bawling my eyes out at a cartoon I watched with my daughter last night – the expression of parents’ love for their child, and I felt how I missed out on that.

So, now, a day and a half into this, feeling hungry again (unsatisfied….. will go with that shortly) and a bit of a headache (the weather doesn’t help – hot as hell) and lots of loo trips! I do hope I can continue this for long enough to start feeling benefits beyond the intellectual exploration of it… I actually caught myself feeling excited before about the prospect of perhaps finally losing weight and getting fitter, something I have been punishing myself about for quite some time now.

Interesting that the scales are buggered though! I am actually enjoying the feeling of being hungry, or perhaps, not full…. maybe I can retrain my body to eat and drink that which I know is right for me. (Water, fruit, nuts and vegies, with the odd herb thrown in)

I just remembered something else, while I am at it… I have noticed in the past two weeks, since stopping contributing to any groups on the internet, that I am saying more honest stuff than I ever have… not in a harsh way, I just notice that I am speaking out more often than I ever have before.

Shift’s a comin’! All Good!!! And not a moment too soon! 🙂

the rollercoaster that is life

in this moment, I am reflecting on my lack of desire to get closer to God.

I was thinking of how things will be when I go on my little roadtrip up country. I will be in the company of vegans when I get there, so I won’t be eating meat or dairy around them. That’s how I do it when I go up there, depending on where I am staying.

I feel so judged when I am around vegans, no matter what I eat! And I know that it is my own self judgement and guilt (although I am pretty sure there is some judgement coming at me from some others too – but mainly from myself)

And just now I was thinking, what would Jesus say… he would say (and does) that while I eat meat I cannot get divine love. So, I thought, ok, for how long? Only while I am eating meat, or while I am digesting meat? Or for a certain amount of time after eating meat or while I am preparing to eat meat?

And then I thought, this is silly. Obviously, I am more interested in fulfilling an addiction to eat meat for what ever reason, than in being closer to God. Than to receiving God’s Love. Why the hell would I choose that? What is it about eating meat that is more important to me?

It was suggested to me, stop the addiction, and see what comes up. Sounded like a good idea at the time, and I can see it would work, but my feeling is, why would I bother? Why on earth would I want to see what came up? Again, I see that my soul is still not interested in getting closer to God.

So, the question is, why not?

And, again, let it all go

time for another vent

I wanted to post this on facebook in a group, but thought no, that would be an unloving projection directed at the people in the group, so instead, thought if I write it here it is out of me and not hurting anybody as nobody reads this anyway. (bleat bleat poor pitiful me).

Far kkk. I hate my life. I am so pissed off that I cannot fix me. I really really really do not want to let go of my fucking anger at the world, so much so I am willing to lose everything for the sake of hanging on to that fucking anger. No matter how much I intellectually know otherwise. Fuck my soul I hate you so much!!! Why do I have to fight myself so much. Don’t you know I know better than you!!!!?!?!?!

God damn it! Life just sucks bigtime. I can’t fix me. I am fucked.

I don’t know how to fucking fix this. It sucks so much. Damn.

Don’t tell me how it is for me …

I am at the midway point of my group therapy and feeling pretty triggered.

What just happened was that someone said that the forum was a certain thing and I reacted to that. I feel angry… I feel scared… I am feeling that I am being told what my personal experience is. I know where I have heard that before (I feel it but don’t know the details). Now I am starting to sense and feel the grief of that.

(Don’t tell me what I feel, don’t tell me what to do)

A ton of fear around that because it is just sitting, in sight, but just out of reach.

(I also don’t want to explore what happened on Thursday)

Do I push through that or just let it be to come naturally?

I have been wanting to document my journey with the Journey, but I haven’t done it. I think it is because of the fear. (I will ask in my feedback to be given a course outline at the end of the program so I can go back and write about what happened from my perspective.)

On Thursday I had major reactions to the “ideal” woman principle – the strong woman who didn’t believe all the things I had been told as a child, and all the facets of her personality. I haven’t been able to connect to her at all and I am afraid to look at the why of that.

It all comes back to fear… two things Yeshua and Mary said directly to me, and another thing they said generally which I want to address was “Feel my fear”, “my lack of personal responsibility”, and the general thing was around living in my passions and desires – which I am afraid of because in the past, in my childhood, I was hurt very badly by spirits and mortals, when I was following my desires and passions.

Touching on the fear, and finding it challenging still to feel it fully, I feel I am in it up to my ankles, which is better than just dipping my toes in, but not as fully as being fully submerged in it….. hmm, maybe up to the knees (thank you spirit friends!), occasionally getting the odd wave bringing it up to wet my belly!

The difference between intellectual and emotional knowledge

Today I learnt some huge stuff.

At the talk Yeshua and Mary gave in Albury I took the opportunity to ask about my own emotions around the money issues I have, and I listed some of the fears related to it (Fear of death/survival issues, fear of humiliation and fear of being controlled). I asked if there were any I had missed and Mary mentioned a lack of self responsibility, to which I added that I knew I wanted the world to fix it for me. (Yeshua also mentioned this is an error I have inherited from my parents who lived in Holland during WWII)

Today I was talking about this with my group counsellor and she observed that it sounded like Attachment issues, which I didn’t twig to at first, but then realised what she meant (I think it was Homecoming that I read about this first in)… My needs as an infant were not met, so I was still stuck there, in having others looking after me.

So I have been living out this need for my entire life! And now I emotionally get that, and have started feeling the pain of that lack. This excites me as I feel I can change my life so much from this and it opens up so much to me.

It also highlights beautifully for me the difference between intellectually knowing something and emotionally knowing it – I knew a few months ago when I read it in a book that my infant needs had not been met, but it wasn’t until today when I connected to it emotionally that I saw and felt and understood it. And now I can do something about it, and release the need to have the world fix it for me – I can start taking responsibility for myself!!

Yay me 🙂