well, this is a little challenging, but what the hell… I just discovered people can find these blogs… ah well. It will probably change what I write, but anyway, what will be will be.
Well, I stepped into a bit of fear today. After the crazed, demented and furious space I had been in over the last while, which kind of peaked last night, I figured I had to do something (as I said earlier). So after facebooking for a bit, responding to a few comments, I finally felt I had something I could sink my teeth into.
I was angry at my fear! So angry that my fear was holding me so much to ransom! Off I went and laid into the punching bag – put the gloves on and let loose… but it wasn’t satisfying, didn’t do enough, so I went around bashing a metal post, and my poor wind chimes came off second best too – there is a bit of that lying out in the weeds somewhere.
It didn’t feel enough though – I wanted to destroy something! But, I knew that wouldn’t help. So I went and lay down to see what would come up. All over the place, but then something happened. Because of my frustration and anger and over it all -ness, I said to God, I just want my brain to go away, my mind to leave. I felt like I embraced insanity. I welcomed it and waited for it. Because my mind is my biggest blocker. I used to be so proud of my strong mind, but now I view it as an obstacle. A hindrance to my progress.
First time in my life I have ever let go of my mental faculties. I didn’t care. I didn’t care if I went insane (but I also knew I wouldn’t – I kept praying to God all through this and trusted him).
And then, I just relaxed. Relaxed my entire body on the bed, let it just lie there. Allowed. Allowed whatever to be there to be there. Never done that before either.
And what was there was a scream. Screams. lots of them. And I knew I had to get them out. And I did get some out, but the fear stopped more from coming out. I realised that I have to scream. And scream and scream and scream. Good thing I was home alone and will be tomorrow too, and that we live far enough away from anyone that I am not going to get a policeman knocking on my door.
Because I am going to scream tomorrow too. Scream and scream and scream. I want this fear out and gone. I finally want to get it gone and away.
I don’t do screams. I don’t do fear, I am tough and make jokes or act tough. I can yell in anger (and have at my beautiful children and both husbands, which I regret), but I don’t scream in fear. I don’t make a sound (because they will kill me if I show fear). So screaming is the thing I need to do now. Every opportunity I can get when I am totally alone and won’t scare the crap out of anyone around me.
I will scream.