So, today I went for an interview with the facilitators of a program called Journey, which is for Adult Women survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
I said it.
No more dancing around it. Moving right along.
I was more afraid than I realised – I went to the loo before I went in for my interview and as soon as I closed the loo door behind me I burst into tears and it took me quite a while to go through those tears. They just came out of nowhere and I had no idea they were sitting there – I had suppressed them well.
For me, it was a terrific interview. The point, the two ladies told me, is to make sure that the group being formed is such that all members of the group are able to feel safe in the group, so it isn’t just if they get six people ring up and ask to do it, they have a criteria of the members being willing to look at stuff, be open to dealing with things rather than inflict themselves on others in the group. (I hope I don’t!) I think I am safe there! But who knows what the 12 weeks will bring.
It was good for me because I felt I really allowed myself to trust in the process. Jargonistic maybe, but, I was willing to feel what I felt, I was encouraged to speak openly, and for what is a rare moment in my life with others, I actually did say what I truly felt, and what I feared and desired also.
And I noticed the messages I was receiving, one in particular, from my spirit friends, and acknowledged that (if the ladies think I am a fruit loop, no doubt I will find that out!!), and yes, I am aware of the injury in that comment!
I am excited about starting this group in two weeks. I am looking forward to clearing through the muck that is in my soul and washing it out. Learning that I am not a freak and not a horrible person, and that others feel similar stuff to I do. How I have YEARNED for that all my life. What a difference that alone makes to me.
That is my goal for this group for me. That and being able, ready, and willing to have real relationships with any other person who comes into my life. That is something that really excites me!
Thank you God for getting me to this point. And all your beautiful helpers who came along when needed, too.
I was really proud of myself today, my willingness to just go with it, to jump off that cliff of trust, into God’s arms and the support of his Love, and the process of this group. Being encouraged to ask for what I want and to be able to ask for kindness was an amazing thing.
Going back to sitting with this now. A good day, emotionally rich and wow. Good stuff.