the rollercoaster that is life

in this moment, I am reflecting on my lack of desire to get closer to God.

I was thinking of how things will be when I go on my little roadtrip up country. I will be in the company of vegans when I get there, so I won’t be eating meat or dairy around them. That’s how I do it when I go up there, depending on where I am staying.

I feel so judged when I am around vegans, no matter what I eat! And I know that it is my own self judgement and guilt (although I am pretty sure there is some judgement coming at me from some others too – but mainly from myself)

And just now I was thinking, what would Jesus say… he would say (and does) that while I eat meat I cannot get divine love. So, I thought, ok, for how long? Only while I am eating meat, or while I am digesting meat? Or for a certain amount of time after eating meat or while I am preparing to eat meat?

And then I thought, this is silly. Obviously, I am more interested in fulfilling an addiction to eat meat for what ever reason, than in being closer to God. Than to receiving God’s Love. Why the hell would I choose that? What is it about eating meat that is more important to me?

It was suggested to me, stop the addiction, and see what comes up. Sounded like a good idea at the time, and I can see it would work, but my feeling is, why would I bother? Why on earth would I want to see what came up? Again, I see that my soul is still not interested in getting closer to God.

So, the question is, why not?

And, again, let it all go