A letter to a friend

Hi.

I do have attachment disorder (I will find out the proper name if it has one). I know my mum didn’t want me (prayed to God to kill me when she was pregnant, which set me up for a number of issues with God as well as her). Dad was angry about another mouth to feed (immigrants who didn’t know the language before they arrived in NZ and I was pregnancy #7, 6th surviving child)

Nobody told me that about mum not wanting me and dad being angry – I realised it after doing some emotional release work, and it fitted and made sense.

I have five older siblings – the four eldest were a “gang” and my poor brother was an outsider, and he still suffers from that (but none of them will admit to anything) then there was me after a 5 year gap and then my youngest brother, who is now pretending to be like the elder ones in order to fit in.

My eldest sister has said very clearly that she doesn’t want to delve into any of that “emotional stuff” as she is happy enough and doesn’t want to rock the boat basically (but her eldest daughter tried to commit suicide in her early 20s and her other daughter is single at 30+)

I was very very angry with my mum from my teenage years until just a couple of years ago, now I am sad but not so angry.

I always felt a stronger connection with my dad, but I know he was no saint – I feel he was a more passive and disconnected person in my childhood, but mum was more angry and covert with it (she played the “poor me” role very well).

I started seeing a counselor in November (I have done heaps of counseling in the past) who has been teaching me a technique that she calls “somatic mindfulness” which has been working which is fantastic, as nothing really worked for me in the past. It is the hardest thing I have done in my life though! Really.

I think she has kind of invented the therapy, not sure. I did ask her if she knew of anyone in your area she could recommend and her response was that she does skype with some clients who are not local, so perhaps there aren’t anyone, but I will be seeing her again tomorrow so will ask her to clear that up. Maybe it would be worth a look for you to just have a chat with her via skype sometime.

Rereading your comment about never feeling loved – a couple of years ago I met a lady who has become a good friend and I have met her mother too. I was struck at how well they got on, and that showed me that it is actually possible to have a good relationship with your mother/father (my relationship with dad ended up a lot better, but he died 15 years ago). I was quite amazed to learn that there was such a gap between the state of my relationship with my mum and the relationship my friend has with her mum.

It is phenomenal how much impact this stuff has had on me – it took me months just to come to terms with that. All sorts of stuff comes up – angry, grief, terror, and it is quite freaky, … but, I know it will give me so much more in the way of resources to be able to handle my life, be productive, think clearly, make rational decisions, all kinds of things that I didn’t know I was missing until I started learning about all this.

Anyway, that’s all for now… I am starting a blog, but it’s a bit sporadic and I haven’t put the history up that I want to yet, so when I have it properly set up I will send you the link – I want to use it as a journal, so it should show how things are going day to day from now on.

Thank you for opening up to me, I respect and appreciate that.

love

Today’s realisation

A couple of things I realised today.

In a mindfulness session of 5 minutes, at around the 4:58 mark I start feeling some emotion – riding a wave M calls it I think. Sometimes I stay and feel it, but did just now and it just floated away.

I am at my most clear immediately after doing mindfulness – an incentive to do it regularly.

M talks about “jumping away from the bus” – I felt today an analogy that resonates better is 24×7 feeling like I am about to be murdered. I felt the heart pounding and shallow breaths of that in this last 5 min session and tried to stay there but kept skipping away – then when I did stay there and the emotion started coming up, ping… the alarm went off.

Today my motivation for doing mindfulness is high as I am so scattered and I want to be more focussed and be more productive. Today is being a better day after 2 5 min sessions (1st one with Prayer for Divine Love as usual) and it now being 12.41pm

Wicked witch of the west?

That’s how I feel today… so want to get rid of this survival mode existence! Fight/flight 24×7 sucks. It causes me to be irrational, evil, angry, paranoid, and just plain crazy. I want a fully functioning brain that can make rational decisions.

So, motivated to do the mindfulness today. I can feel my heart pounding and my breath is shallow – this was all there before but I had numbed it out and suppressed it. This is really hard, as I am dredging through 50 years of suppression. It’s gotta go though, if not now then it will just get harder.

God helps – tried the prayer this morning (been saying it every morning) but just burst out in anger… wanted to stop, but thought, no, I will keep reading aloud the prayer, even though I am not in agreement with the words, they are bringing this up for me, so that was authentic, and I felt God agree with that. It is helping, even though 95% of the time I don’t feel the words on the card. Brings God closer to my attention daily.

Hello world :)

Yes, I know it’s the default, but it is appropriate!
I’ve had a go at blogging before, but the posts were pretty angry, so they’ve been trashed… and thought to start again.

Since November I have been seeing a trauma counselor, and just the other day she called her methodology Somatic Mindfulness. I hadn’t really heard of mindfulness before I started seeing her but it appears it’s the new best thing since sliced bread.

All I now know is that this is the hardest things I have done in my life. Ever. To date. So now it’s time to start journalling it, well, I now want to anyway. And since what my counselor is doing is pretty bleeding edge, I thought it might prove a use beyond just my own dribblings for my own sake to someone else out there!

So, here it is! And I guess I should start with some background, and then move on to day to day feelings about how things are going for me.

And the God bit?

Because this is proving to be so incredibly hard, I thought if I brought my bestest buddy in to support me (even though I am not willing to open up to said bestest buddy just yet) I would get through this. Because I don’t think I could have without my divine parent. (Still hanging onto the masculine there as I am still having a hard time with the mum stuff, but working on it.)

That’s it for now, shall update more soon hopefully (and hopefully it won’t be three years till the next update!)

Four week update

IMG_1156b

stats: Well, it’s been 4 weeks today, I have lost 8.8kg (19.36lb) at an average of 0.31kg(0.69lb) daily and at that rate I will get to my goal of 60kg (132lb) – which is a loose goal, on my birthday of all days, 27 July 2012! 😀

One icecream on about day 2 or 3, copious wine and cheese and a small amount of chicken on about day 10, and three glasses of wine a couple of days ago – the icecream didn’t seem to matter, the day 10 splurge caused 800gm weight gain and a funny tummy the next day, and the three glasses of wine caused a 100gm weight gain, and lessons well learned… losing weight is more important to me now!

The rest of the time I have been drinking water as my only drink, eating fruit for breakfast (apples, bananas, oranges, with the odd stone fruit in there), randomly eating nuts (but expecting to cut those back after I read the 80/10/10 book), salads or vegies or leftover vegies/rice or lavash bread with hommus for lunch and usually a stirfry vegies and maybe rice or salad and rice/lavash/pita bread for dinner.

Going really well, I am loving the way I am doing this and how effortless it is, as it feels like I have finally dropped the need for emotional eating and psychological protection avoidance and denial 🙂

the thing that I marvel at is that it has been utterly effortless and fun, even 🙂

another thing is that I have had to start using my belt again, and it is two notches in from where it used to be when I stopped using it 🙂

Another bonus has been that my daughter is now telling me how good she thinks it is that I am losing weight – she is 7 and it is quite precious to me that I am making her happier in this way.
Week4

Exploring the addictions…

IMG_0995bafter a friend posted on facebook yesterday…. back track… this started before then…

I listened to the recording of the Mediumship session in Armidale that I zoomed up for in December, the night before last, and finished it yesterday morning.

(and hubby returns home)

The theme of the talk was that …

now I am just grumpy… being challenged is triggering something… but not the obvious… what is my feeling around asking for confirmation of something – having to interact with others?

The theme of the talk was how we dance around our fears and not actually embrace them, walk through them and realise they are not real – realise that they are not the truth so do not have to run our lives.

Personally, I learnt that I ping off each of my emotions that come up thinking, no, I don’t want to go there, what’s another one… then ping off that one, through my entire shopping list until I get back to the first and haven’t got anywhere with any of them.

I remember reflecting the next day on the zoom home, and partially yesterday after hearing the recording, how I find it really neat and impressive that I had a dialogue with the individual known as Archangel Michael, as well as a dialogue with Jesus, whom I have had a number of personal interactions with, and yet I take it for granted, or don’t really appreciate, the utter blessing I have to have the opportunity to talk to Jesus in person.

It is funny how our minds normalise things even as majestic and fantastic as the second coming of Jesus down to, oh yeah, he’s a bloke I know… got the most wisdom of anyone in the universe too, and I have spoken to him a couple of times…

So, after hearing the recording, and feeling inspired, I rustled up the courage to give it a go… allowing me to feel whatever is in me at the time. Now I will tell you how that worked for me…

What I noticed was that when I got up yesterday morning, I didn’t want to have my normal cuppa (black tea with nonfat milk). And I thought I’d like to try not having any meat or dairy (ie vegan) for a while.

The day before a friend had made a simple comment about her shopping list getting smaller, and one of the things not on it anymore was tea…

In the past when I have thought of “going vegan” or cutting out tea and/or alchohol what came up was always this indignation about having to “stop” what I wanted to do, and a resistance to that. This time, yesterday, and again today, I am noticing that instead I am more wanting to rid myself of behaviour that is controlling me – I want to be free of addictions.

So I am testing this… I went through yesterday feeling a bit hungry, and thought, I will just wait and see what comes of this, and then the hunger passed. Totally didn’t feel like having a cup of tea at all… although had a mild headache later in the day yesterday.

I was wondering if the absence of meat would allow emotions to come up more easily (and this is feeling like a good thing to me now – which is part of this shift in me), I think it is still too early to tell, but I did realise why I was bawling my eyes out at a cartoon I watched with my daughter last night – the expression of parents’ love for their child, and I felt how I missed out on that.

So, now, a day and a half into this, feeling hungry again (unsatisfied….. will go with that shortly) and a bit of a headache (the weather doesn’t help – hot as hell) and lots of loo trips! I do hope I can continue this for long enough to start feeling benefits beyond the intellectual exploration of it… I actually caught myself feeling excited before about the prospect of perhaps finally losing weight and getting fitter, something I have been punishing myself about for quite some time now.

Interesting that the scales are buggered though! I am actually enjoying the feeling of being hungry, or perhaps, not full…. maybe I can retrain my body to eat and drink that which I know is right for me. (Water, fruit, nuts and vegies, with the odd herb thrown in)

I just remembered something else, while I am at it… I have noticed in the past two weeks, since stopping contributing to any groups on the internet, that I am saying more honest stuff than I ever have… not in a harsh way, I just notice that I am speaking out more often than I ever have before.

Shift’s a comin’! All Good!!! And not a moment too soon! 🙂

the rollercoaster that is life

in this moment, I am reflecting on my lack of desire to get closer to God.

I was thinking of how things will be when I go on my little roadtrip up country. I will be in the company of vegans when I get there, so I won’t be eating meat or dairy around them. That’s how I do it when I go up there, depending on where I am staying.

I feel so judged when I am around vegans, no matter what I eat! And I know that it is my own self judgement and guilt (although I am pretty sure there is some judgement coming at me from some others too – but mainly from myself)

And just now I was thinking, what would Jesus say… he would say (and does) that while I eat meat I cannot get divine love. So, I thought, ok, for how long? Only while I am eating meat, or while I am digesting meat? Or for a certain amount of time after eating meat or while I am preparing to eat meat?

And then I thought, this is silly. Obviously, I am more interested in fulfilling an addiction to eat meat for what ever reason, than in being closer to God. Than to receiving God’s Love. Why the hell would I choose that? What is it about eating meat that is more important to me?

It was suggested to me, stop the addiction, and see what comes up. Sounded like a good idea at the time, and I can see it would work, but my feeling is, why would I bother? Why on earth would I want to see what came up? Again, I see that my soul is still not interested in getting closer to God.

So, the question is, why not?

And, again, let it all go

time for another vent

I wanted to post this on facebook in a group, but thought no, that would be an unloving projection directed at the people in the group, so instead, thought if I write it here it is out of me and not hurting anybody as nobody reads this anyway. (bleat bleat poor pitiful me).

Far kkk. I hate my life. I am so pissed off that I cannot fix me. I really really really do not want to let go of my fucking anger at the world, so much so I am willing to lose everything for the sake of hanging on to that fucking anger. No matter how much I intellectually know otherwise. Fuck my soul I hate you so much!!! Why do I have to fight myself so much. Don’t you know I know better than you!!!!?!?!?!

God damn it! Life just sucks bigtime. I can’t fix me. I am fucked.

I don’t know how to fucking fix this. It sucks so much. Damn.