Where I am now?

well this is funny, I just thought maybe I would start a blog, and come here and find I did so two years ago!

I am hesitant to start blogging, as I wonder at the megalomania of it, or is that narcissm? I also know I am quite an angry person, and don’t want to blast my anger out here.

However, what has prompted me to write here and now is that I have just in this minute realised that due to coming earth changes, I seem to have lost my motivation for change.

A lot of my motivation has been to fix my life as it isn’t very good… but if the world changes instead, then it won’t be as much of an issue…. who am I kidding! Here is me thinking all my issues are money related, but they are not…. it is just a symptom, a tool, designed to highlight my main issue. Which I am still not looking at.

Or am I? Am I just willfully ignoring what I know to be true. I know I am angry with the world. I know I want the world to fix it for me. I know I feel the world owes me. Is that it? Really?

And does it even matter? Why do I have such a need to label what I am feeling before I will allow myself to feel what I am feeling? What security does that give me? Perhaps I just need to feel it…. I keep being told that, and yet I remain unconvinced. Content to stay stuck in my fear.

hmmm…

now I am curious as to what I wrote two years ago – I wonder if I have changed much since then!

Analyse this

It’s about an hour or so later, and a letter to mum in non-dominant handwriting later.

Who said it’s so great to write those letters? All it makes me feel is sore for using muscles in a different way, and frustrated for not being able to write quickly enough and still be able to read what I have written.

I am giving blogging a go instead to see if I can get this junk and stuff out of my head and release all the garbage this way instead.

I understand the reasoning behind the nondominant writing bizzo – get the other half of my brain working. Must be pretty blocked, or just way frustrated. Will see what the morning brings. Maybe I will dream my way out of this ickiness.

Rambling now.

My very first blog ever

Today is purge time. I am feeling very anti me at the moment, and writing is therapeutic. My mother is going gaga, and I am so angry with her and myself just for everything.

Today I came to the conclusion that the only one stopping me from getting what I want in my life is me. I know I am strong, powerful, enterprising, adaptable, intelligent, funny, responsible, and dependable, yet I stubbornly refuse to do the stuff that I know will get me what I most want in life.

And that really gives me the shits (does this blogger allow swearing? we will see…) I am so angry with myself at the moment that I am standing in my own way! Why am I doing this when I know I am so capable, and fully able to do whatever I want to do, to give me the dream life I deserve!

Part of it is that I am really angry at mum. Angry that she didn’t look after me in the way I wanted her to. Angry that she outlived dad. Angry that she now doesn’t even know who I am and thinks I am the maid from her childhood. Angry that she never really wanted anything for herself and passed on that attitude of struggle and servitude to me, so I have to fight it every day of my life, knowing I can have better.

Purge must be complete for now, I can’t think of anything else to dump at the moment. It remains to be seen what this triggers.